Hello all! How have you been?
My week has been crazy. It’s the middle of summer, and we’re approaching a long weekend where I live, which is typically the busiest two weeks of the year here. It’s great for our economy, as I live in a tourist town that relies on the sizzling hot summer months to survive, but it makes work a gong show! Plus, we’ve been having so many issues with people calling in sick, breaking ribs, altering schedules, etc in my department, that that just adds to the hectic nature of summer, and not in a positive way.
I’m one of those people that, when I decide to do a job or am employed to do a job, I do it to the best of my ability… call it my perfectionist/fear of making a mistake or failing bias, but it works quite well in the workplace. I mean minus the fact that it usually stresses me out more than it should. The boyfriend always says to me, “You did what you could, and honestly they don’t pay you enough to care the amount that you do. The way you worry about things is the equivalent that the manager worries about things… and they certainly don’t pay you the same. It’s not your job to worry about all these things, and it’s not worth the amount that it stresses you out.”
True. So true. But I have such a perfectionistic bias!
AND, it translates to my mood, because I’ve been like that for as long as I can remember. The idea that you only half-assed do things just doesn’t compute in my brain, so when I go to work and see people putting in minimal effort, calling in sick when they are NOT SICK, and/or just not giving a shit or dogging it, it pisses me off. Like, ridiculously so. You can ask the boyfriend about this… he’s experienced it personally. And in his oh-so-logical mind, he says to me, “You can’t let other’s emotions, actions, or sentiments influence you so much. Just because they’re not doing something doesn’t mean that it needs to impact you. No one will come back and attack you for not getting something done… it’s their head on the line, not yours. THIS is why you are so stressed all the time!”
Oh, rational brain, why do you not function so simply! These things logically make sense, but they still do not compute. I have a bias… and it is a blessing and a curse. I find myself SO OFTEN lately playing this game:
Okay, rant over.
At least on that guy… but I’m here today to talk about another bias that’s been getting on my nerves lately.
Yeah… you know the one I’m talking about. That whole size bias thing.
Side note: This movie is the best!! I mentioned in my last post how this was and still is my favourite movie of all time. I’ve seen it a million times and I never hesitate to see it again. And it’s just so great for those moments where you just need a good quote 😉.
See, I’ve started this new body image/self esteem coaching program, and while I’ve been so reluctant to do MORE therapy, I new I’d hit a wall. You can’t be okay with listening to your body to tell you what you need in terms of food and exercise unless you trust your body. And you can’t trust your body until you believe your body is worth trusting. And you can’t believe in your body’s own worth until you believe in your own self worth. And you can’t have a sense of self worth until you start to have some self esteem and respect for yourself emotionally and mentally. And you can’t do that until you believe in yourself enough that you give yourself permission to take up literal/physical and mental/emotional space in your own life.
Long story short: You can’t hope to be intuitive and move past an eating disorder until you believe you are enough, emotionally, mentally, and physically. You have to accept your existence not as a hindrance to the world but rather as an asset.
Anyways… it’s pretty intense. I’m spending more than an hour every day actively writing and working through my thought patterns and body image issues. And while I’m still trying to get the hang of putting new neural pathways into action and remembering to do things differently than my current rut, at least this delving into exploration gets my brain going and thinking about things both in my past and in my present in ways I haven’t really examined before.
I’m basically one step away from growing out my armpit hair and living in a tree, one with nature…
Actually not really.
But it’s gotten me thinking. A lot of this work has to do with reframing the way you look at things. Not stopping thoughts, not judging yourself for having thoughts, but also not giving your thoughts the power to shape who you are and how you live your life in a day to day fashion. I don’t remember the context, but in my first therapy session I was asked a question to which I responded quite simply, “because normal, nowadays in modern society, is disordered.”
How true is this? And how screwed up is that?
And by taking a step back from my own life, and my own head, I’m able to observe this more objectively and see this truth in action:
- A non-eating-disordered woman I know, talking to my boyfriend who was frustrated with my obsession with thigh gaps, said simply, “I don’t blame her. I’d love to have a thigh gap.”
- They build strollers SPECIFICALLY for running with your baby… as if running around looking after your baby was not enough activity for a woman.
- Recipes are no longer focussed on flavour but rather on numbers:
- An Oreo is no longer a mid-afternoon treat, but rather a workout guideline:
- Witnessed personally: A starving hospitalized non-eating disordered woman who hasn’t eaten in over 24 hours refuses to eat food unless it is one of her packaged diet foods from the current crash diet plan being followed.
- You can’t walk into a restaurant without being blatantly greeted by nutritional information, that was unsolicited by you in the first place:
Man I could think of so many more options, but this just gets too lengthy. The funny thing is modern society is screwed. This is DISORDERED! I gave you six plus examples of these things that are considered “acceptable” if not “healthful” practices in modern society, WHICH, if I personally engaged in any one of them, would be told I was engaging in eating disordered behaviour.
I’m sorry, but if it’s DISORDERED for me, is it not DISORDERED for everyone?
And where do all these things come from? It is often lumped under the assumption that you are engaging in these behaviours in an attempt to be “healthier”, but then what is your definition of “healthy”?
If a person who is naturally built larger, whose body wants to be what society would normally deem “overweight”, engages in all of these behaviours, chances are eventually, their weight would still be “overweight”. Because that is where their body naturally wants to be according to set-point theory! And that person goes to the doctor, for a bladder infection… and the first thing the doctor says is, you need to lose weight if you want to be healthy.
Excuse me, but how is this related to the problem at hand, a bladder infection? The person didn’t even come there for weight loss advice!
The person says, “Look, I run every day. I eat lower calorie foods, whole grains, low sugar, and vegetables. I count everything and make sure that my calories in equal my calories out, but I can’t seem to lose weight.”
Without even running blood tests, or cardio tests, or what have you to determine the actual “health” of the body, we’ve already determined that the person needs to lose weight.
When you yourself go to the coffee shop and order a skinny, or fat-free latte, and claim that you’re doing it for “health”, ask yourself, what does “health” mean?
If you can close your eyes and picture yourself at your healthy self goal, what does that self look like?
Does your “healthy self” equal ripped abs, and a long and lean physique? Do your thighs not touch? Is your cellulite gone?
Yep. So let’s stop the delusion. The issue is not “health”… the issue is SIZE, WEIGHT, and the associated bias that goes along with it. The idea is that you are worth more if you take up less space. The idea is that skinny > fat, that skinny people are happier, healthier, stronger, more driven, more desireable, more attractive, more loved, more accepted… basically they’re just more.
They are more, because they are less.
What an oxymoron?!
I remember when I was little, I always had a large appetite, but I was never overweight. I was always pretty lean. I used to eat the same amount as the hockey jocks in high school, and one slice of pizza was never enough to satisfy me, even when I was 6 or 7. People would joke that I eat SO MUCH, and I used to feel pride and joke right along with them.
I used to be a size 0 or 2, and then when I became a 4 or 6, I was actually proud that I was growing and becoming less of a child and more of a woman.
Somewhere along the line, this changed.
Somewhere along the line, whenever I ate as much, or more of than my boyfriend it became less of a joke, and more of a source of guilt, shame, and anxiety, because a rule was created that girls should not eat as much as guys.
Somewhere along the line, if I ate 2 or 3 slices of pizza, it became not about satisfying my hunger and cravings, but rather about eating the lesser amount because a rule was created that girls should (based on observation of others) only eat one slice of pizza, and pair it with a salad.
Somewhere along the line, advertising and the bandwagon taught me that a latte had to be skinny, and that I should feel guilty for enjoying my coffee with a non-sugar-free flavour shot and actual milk.
Somewhere along the line, I learned that cake and cookies should be enjoyed in secret, and that the 8th deadly sin was a love of peanut butter cups.
Somewhere along the line, I learned that “healthy” people swapped their pasta for zoodles, and their rice for cauliflower.
Somewhere along the line, I no longer felt proud of my size 4, or more often 6 frame that was curvy and womanly, but ashamed because it wasn’t closer to a negative number. Somewhere along the line, I threw out the notion of womanly curves in favour of the teenage boy gangly look that accompanies a restrictive diet and the loss of body shape and boobs… all because somewhere along the line I accepted the notion that two became the new four, and zero became the new two, and six became the new fourteen.
We’re a generation that is expected to be able to DO more, while running on LESS. We’re supposed to get more in touch with our “hunter gatherer roots”, and serve it with an aspartame filled fizzy drink. We’re confused. We have too much knowledge, and too little perspective.
Because if we stopped with the high powered craziness for ten seconds, and stopped running a mile a minute, accepting ideas willy-nilly because we don’t have the time to stop and think about it before internalizing, we would realize that none of this makes sense!
You cannot do more while taking in less. I cannot be on my feet at my job, for 8 plus hours, come home and make dinner, and go for a bike ride afterwards while eating zoodles and diet coke.
You cannot compare the amount of satisfaction you get from a real chocolate fudge brownie, with the “healthy” plant-based black bean, Splenda sweetened 56 calories a piece one. Yep… one pan later, and I’m just as lethargic as before and my chocolate craving is still there.
An oreo is not equal to 1200 jumping jacks any more than a romance novel is equal to a llama, or my left butt cheek is equal to my elbow. You can’t equate two totally different things! Plus, imma enjoy my oreo, but I’m not gonna enjoy 1200 jumping jacks. That pleasure factor is significant!
You’re going to make more memories playing peek-a-boo with your baby and hearing him/her laugh, than you will jogging with them in a bikini. AND if you’re like me you’ll be much less likely to end up with road rash from tripping over something… although, you might accidentally poke yourself in the eye.
We talk about health in terms of weight… but we seem to not notice that the size bias that is running rampant through all our heads, and the associated disordered notions that accompany it, is making us the most miserable and habitually depressed and unsatisfied generation ever.
We have less patience/tolerance of others, less connection to our hunger/fullness cues, less connection to other people (because we’re too obsessed with diet/exercise/technology), less sense of belonging, drive, motivation, contentment… all because we’re HUNGRY. And I don’t mean hungry just for food, but hungry for balance and a sense of calm that you can only get when you stop trying to be MORE, and do MORE all the time. Hungry for all the connection with others and relationships that you’re missing out on because you are never stopping.
And it gets us into a vicious cycle… because we’re bombarded by this size bias and are convinced that we would be happier by being thinner. We’d be more accepted, more loved, more driven, more motivated. But trust me, if thinness made you happier when I was literally lying in the hospital on my death bed I should have been the happiest person on earth. Needless to say, I’ve never been more miserable in my life… except when I was trying to RUN while in this deathly ill state. I was more miserable then because I was in more physical pain than you could ever believe.
It’s time to address the real issue, which is not your weight, shape, or size. It is your relationship with yourself, and the world around you. It is your need to fill only one facet of your life (diet/food, body shape/fitness), and ignoring all the rest. It is a lack of balance. It’s the acceptance of all of these DISORDERED notions, as NORMAL.
It’s the fact that you’re allowing zero to be the new two, two to be the new four, and six to be the new fourteen. It’s the fact that you’re allowing the calorie count to be the deciding factor rather than your tastebuds, and the treadmill to dictate whether you can spend time with your friends at a coffee shop later. It’s not make you healthier, and it’s not improving your value or worth.
It’s time to stop buying it.
It’s time to go back to your roots and reframe the bias that you’ve been trained to accept.
It’s time to look in the mirror and instead of condemning your love handles, appreciating your womanly curves.
It’s about making the choice when buying new clothes and having to go up a size, to allow it to be the beginning of a new relationship with another stage of your life instead of the beginning of another crash diet.
It’s about eating an oreo for a snack without reading the label, and then eating another if you weren’t satisfied. And trusting that eventually you will be, and your body will let you know when you are.
It’s about going for coffee with a friend and ordering a cookie to share, even if you’ve already eaten, because it ADDS to the experience and the memories, not to you your hips.
It’s about changing your vocabulary when it comes to food, taking out all the “skinnys”, “cleans”, “cheats”, or whatever other judgements you make, and allowing only flavours, textures, and cravings to make your decisions.
AND it’s about doing all these things and not thinking you’re being LAZY, LACKING WILLPOWER, or being a GLUTTON for doing them.
Because normal is disordered… but who ever wanted to be normal anyways?