Hello from a rather comfortable table in a very crowded cafe!
So I’m feeling kind of guilty.
I mean I haven’t written in a while, which is an issue of itself. But it isn’t for lack of attempts… if you could log on to my laptop you would find at least 15 or 20 partially written and scrapped blog posts. I just didn’t know what to say, what to write, what I wanted to focus on. Two hours of work… then two seconds to the trash can. Nothing was coming together.
I recently got back from two days of travelling, eating out, and drinking enough Starbucks to get my fix before we headed back home to the blasphemous land lacking the famous green siren.
Yeah, we have no Starbucks at home… and a bunch of coffee shops that literally sell the most disgusting coffee (as in brand of coffee) known to man. And the ones that don’t use the most disgusting coffee, use the most disgusting soy milk. It’s a real struggle. Anyone who is bound to the land of non-dairy milk knows the issues.
Reality: 98% of non dairy milk tastes like the inside of a garbage disposal. Or a spoiled can of refried beans. And most coffee shops elect to use the cheapest soy milk because they want to maximize profit.
The cheapest soy milk tastes about as good as my dog’s breath smells.
Just so you know, my dog has had ongoing dental issues and almost all of his teeth pulled out. Aka: his breath is NOT pleasant.
I mean come on, you already charge an additional 50-75 cents for the soy milk in the first place. Which means that after anywhere from 5-10 lattes you’ve paid for the cost of the milk. Perhaps even less if you’re using the cheap stuff. At least give us something that tastes good.
Hint: You’d probably sell more of the soy lattes if they didn’t taste like underpants.
The aforementioned coffee shop I am sitting at now is an exception to this generality. They make a better ICED latte than Starbucks. Win.
Get me out of this town.
Or buy me a Starbucks. A personal one that makes me lattes and double smoked bacon breakfast sandwiches, but doesn’t charge me a dime.
I’d be fine with that.
So, back to this guilt thing. I’m trying this new thing with my dietitian to address my sitting issues, mainly being my inability to do it. And combining the sitting issues with my food issues, and my exercise issues, to like hit the trifecta of my issues.
I totally used trifecta in the wrong sense of the word… but I get tired of using words like plethora and gamut. So I no longer care. It sounded cool.
So I have to walk to the coffee shop, once a week, and walk home, which assuming I don’t take detours is somewhere between 20-30 min each way, unless I’m doing my speed demon old tempos. And I’m trying not to do that… minus the first time.
So the amount of exercise is contained. Check.
And since my old exercise routine was incredibly predictable I have to keep changing it up. I can do one walk a week. That’s it. Add one yoga session a week, maximum half hour. That’s it. Add another random exercise session, maximum half hour, that is neither a walk nor a yoga session. And that is not running, HIIT, or pilates because, guess what, those are my old obsessions and 7 hours a day in a nutshell. There you have my weekly exercise regime: three times a week, three different activities, maximum 30 minutes a session. And if any component is not met, the alternative is doing nothing. AKA, that regime is my maximum, not my minimum.
Cue me this week, trying to come up with a third activity when I don’t know how to bike, swim, roller-skate, skateboard, completely lack hand-eye coordination (or just coordination in general), and don’t have money for a fitness class, but damn it, I’m going to come up with something because the part of me that is still obsessed has to maximize on exercise time not minimize it.
Perhaps one day I won’t feel that urge.
Perhaps one day I’ll discover my inner Michael Jordan instead of my blatant Jim Carrey/Snooki sans alcohol klutziness.
Don’t crush my dreams.
And then there’s the whole food=exercise=calories=food=exercise=calories=… you get the idea, thing. So when we exercise, or do activity, we make up for it. I add food to the meal plan. So I walk to the coffee shop, and I have a snack. Latte, muffin, loaf, lunch, whatever it may be. As long as it has an additional component to what I normally have.
And the third component of the trifecta: that sitting. I have to sit, in the cafe, until lunch working on the blog. Which is important because I really do love to blog. And that’s one thing I really struggle to do standing up: it’s hard to concentrate.
But after all of my travelling the past couple days, I wasn’t feeling coffee-y. But I still wanted to do my coffee shop, blog, and walk day yesterday, because it was gorgeous out and I actually was feeling inspired to write. Carpe diem and all that jazz.
But what do you do when you’re craving just tea and a pear for snack, but you have to go to a cafe that doesn’t sell fresh fruit?
Answer: You sneak a pear in, buy a tea, and most stealthily eat it in the corner facing away from the cashier.
Cue the guilt.
You’re so not supposed to bring outside food into a restaurant. But I did buy a tea!
It wasn’t exactly the most mindful of practices… every time someone came near my table, I threw the pear into my lap on a napkin. Don’t do as I do.
Anyways, moving on.
You all know about my sitting problems, right? As in I can’t do it. As in I found ways to knit standing up, almost figured out knitting on a treadmill, figured out how to mount a laptop to my treadmill so I could watch Netflix without guilt, and will purposely do the laundry in as many trips to the basement as possible to maximize walking and standing time. As in, I have rules about what time of day I’m allowed to sit, how long for, and if you try to get me to deviate from this I’m an inconsolable ball of nerves ready to bite your head off. As in people have had to wrestle me to the ground mid-afternoon. Seriously.
I have issues.
And it’s an issue I haven’t been too keen to address, because the very thought of sitting for extended periods of time, as relaxing as it sounds in some distant corner of my mind, fills me with as much dread as eating Chinese food… no. It fills me with more dread than eating chinese food. Yep, sitting is potentially more terrifying than eating at this point. That kind of says something. Unless you combine sitting and eating. Mind blown.
I see dead people.
Okay no, I don’t. But it’s like the equivalent level of fear. Where is that line from anyways? Some horror movie…
The Hills Have Eyes?
So anyways, this issue pervaded through hospitalization. I finally was well enough that they were convinced I literally wasn’t going to just drop dead on the floor at a moments notice, so they started to give me passes from the hospital for a snack, or a meal, or to get a coffee, or to simply move beyond the jail-barred (literally) eating disorder ward door. And there’s a bus stop right outside the door. And I’m supposed to take the bus.
Yeah… that never happened.
I walked. I maximized time. I had half an hour, or two hours, or whatever it might have been. I knew I needed to do the food related task they assigned, and perfectionist that I am, I would do it. But I would order the coffee, the sandwich, the scone, etc to go. And I’d wind along side streets. I’d google-map my trip in advance, add 5 min to the walking times in case I happened to be slow (which let’s get serious… maximizing time here. I wasn’t slow.) and then when I got close to the hospital again, I’d pace back and forth along a nearby street until it was time to return. Food eaten, and hopefully appropriately compensated for. As much as possible anyways.
Then I went to residential. And they took away my movement. Completely. Bed to chair to table to chair to bed. That was it. For a week. And I was going stir crazy. But I hid it well… so well that after the first week was up, I could claim that my bowels were not working (which was somewhat true… when you starve yourself they stop working. Before I was hospitalized I hadn’t had a bowel movement in at least a month… I can’t remember. I mean, there’s nothing in there to process. TMI? Perhaps, but it’s the truth. No shame.), and that I needed to go on “poo-walks” to get them moving. I appeared solid, I appeared resolute, and I appeared outwardly calm. And those bowels weren’t working, so it was a half truth as opposed to a whole lie. One week of nothing, but then that was done. Back to the movement, to the lack of sitting. Check.
I left residential, four months later, completely entrenched in the movement and obsessive exercise portion of my eating disorder, but oblivious even to myself that this was a problem. This was “healthy”! Movement, moving, is “healthy”! And all the way through I never gave it up. Outpatient: sure, I was eating enough, but I was exercising again for hours (or hour if it was extremely high intensity… really I had a minimal supposed “calorie burn” which was a ridiculously high number… that was the amount of formal exercise I had to have) And then in addition, I had my time rules that allowed me to sit at certain hours of the day. All the time in between, I was ate least standing, ideally walking. I developed ways to incorporate otherwise relaxing activities into the activity grind so that I no longer actually had to relax while doing them. Because that would be the worst, laziest thing in the world. Obviously.
All my favourite activities suddenly became a part of my prison. Drawing? Either at certain hours of the day or not at all. Netflix/television? Only on the treadmill. Knitting? Standing up at the kitchen counter. Reading a book? Between my toes as I did crunches. Piano? No bench required. Everything that used to remotely bring me any kind of joy I found a way to make torturous. I found a way to suck the happiness out of every simple pleasure constantly, and the only thing that made this existence bearable was the anticipation of the incredible high that denial, restriction, rules, and following them to a T gave me. Somehow you can tolerate a lot of physical pain, a lot of emotional turmoil, and the incredibly quick deterioration of relationships if in the end you know you’re going to get the greatest high. Unfortunately, the high lasts as long as it takes to realize that you’re denying yourself something. Which is literally as long as it takes to read that sentence.
So what… three seconds? Maximum.
And then you’re on to planning the next denial, awaiting the wave of the next high, and the literal second of relief you experience when you realize that in that moment, literal moment, you have done enough to stop the whirlwind of thoughts, emotions, and pain, and simply exist for a second. You’ve done enough to stop and feel yourself inhale, or exhale, before moving on to the next thing. The next skipped meal, the next set of 30 reps, the next light-headed footstep.
There were of course the other times where I just existed for a second. Where all the thoughts stopped. Where my world for a second was silent. I imagine they would have been somewhat relaxing had I been awake for them…
Oh, right. I forgot to mention those times were the times I blacked out.
Once it was mid run on the treadmill. I fell forward and slid back, waking up in a crumpled pile between the the door and the edge of the still-running treadmill, a pile of blood on the floor coming equally from my completely skinned chin, and even moreso from my gauged kneecap that almost cut through to the bone. I still have rather evident scars from both of those, and I don’t expect them to ever disappear.
Fun fact: I started my current job about four or five days after this. I remember going to the interview, my chin shredded, and being asked, “Did you fall off your bike? That’s an impressive case of road rash!” I went with whatever anyone said to avoid admitting the truth. “Actually, I’m close to death and I passed out while exercising on my treadmill because my body can no longer handle the physical exertion and it’s just trying to preserve itself by FORCING me to stop. But please hire me for a job where I’m walking around and on my feet for eight hours a day!” Yeah, I knew that wouldn’t fly. Plus, I totally didn’t have a problem…
Another time it was mid walk with my dog on Main Street. I tore up my exercise hoody and skinned my hand and elbow as I fell forward against a cement garbage can. Or at least that’s what I gathered from when I came to the realization of the cold cement against my blistered skin. The crowd of onlookers who were very concerned thought I had tripped over my dog’s leash.
I’m fairly sure that’s not what happened, but then again I don’t remember it too clearly.
And the third time was simply getting up from my couch in the living room. I got up, felt instantly light headed, and staggered forward into the television, slicing all four fingers on one hand on the sharp underside, and permanently giving our flatscreen a leftward tilt.
It’s funny how you wake up, and you kind of know how you got there. It’s like you remember the start of the fall, and then next thing you know you’re in a pile on the floor. But those few seconds after you wake up are remarkably calm too. Calm and shaky.
But you know, it’s like another three second thing. And then you’re back to planning your denials.
I remember the pain, vaguely. When you’re that sick, it’s almost as if your body doesn’t have the energy to really allow your nerves to react to pain. Either that, or you become so used to being in pain that you don’t recognize it for what it is, and it just becomes normal. But I do remember pain. I remember the dread that came before every exercise session. I remember my body screaming at me as I laced up my shoes:
Please, please, please don’t do this to me.
I’m so tired.
I’m begging you… I really don’t want to do this. I really don’t know if I can.
And going anyway. Every day. Hours a day. Pounding the pavement, and swearing, literally swearing out loud every time someone smiled at me, or said hello, or looked at me with any trace of happiness as they passed me on the street as soon as they were out of ear shot. Swearing at any car or truck that was loud because it hurt my ears, distracted me, gave me more discomfort. As if the noise was shredding me as much as the physical activity was.
That was my favourite. Every time they were out of ear shot, I’d utter it. How dare you be happy when life is hell? What is there to be happy about? This is hell.
I remember coming home from a session and going to the bathroom, gingerly peeling off my socks and applying a new bandage to my feet. My feet were a mess of callouses, blisters, and gashes just from the wear and tear of constant exertion and bone on skin contact with no adipose tissue to cushion them. Every single toe was swollen and tomato red, and eventually they were all covered in white bandages. I ended up with pinprick pressure point sores that felt like bee stings every time you put weight on them along the soles of my feet. They were so painful I even went to the doctor with them. I remember the look on his face when I removed my shoes and he saw my almost completely bandaged feet, and then when he looked underneath and saw the bloody, blistered mess that lay beneath the surface. I asked him what I could do to get rid of the pinprick sores.
“Stop exercising,” he said, simply but seriously. “That’s the only thing that will make them go away. I know it’s hard, and I know you don’t want to, but it’s the only way to get rid of them.”
That wasn’t happening. I resolved that clearly I was doomed to have to endure the pain. Price you have to pay for being “healthy”. “No pain, no gain.”
When you look back on it in your mind’s eye, everything is in this soft fog. On some level, you realize how sick you were. As you write it out, without all the frills, and just stick to the cold, hard, undiluted facts, you see how many times that blackout could have turned into a blackhole. How many times could I have fallen and never gotten up? How many mornings did I start my day trying to avoid sitting, when I should have been thinking, perhaps if I don’t sit, this might be the last time I ever do? And then the fog comes in and softens that reality, smoothes it over and glazes it so it doesn’t seem that bad.
Even the memory of my doctor looking at me, tears in his eyes, saying “If you don’t get off the treadmill, you are going to die.”, is soft, fluffy, like a movie. Somehow detached from my life. Okay, maybe I’ll die, but then I can just reinsert the DVD and I’ll be alive again.
I can still hear his words in my head, “Yesterday I was with my other anorexic patient. I saw her two days before and she was okay. Yesterday she woke up in the morning and started her treadmill, and 20 minutes into the workout she collapsed. Her heart gave out. She had a heart attack. And now she’s dead. She was 16.”
“She wasn’t me,” I said, dark circles under my eyes, wiggling my feet on the bench to move something because I was forced to sit in his office. “She wasn’t trying to get better. She was probably eating nothing. I’m still eating. I’m trying to get better.”
“She WAS you,” he said. “She was exactly like you. She was in recovery. She was eating, probably around the same amount that you are. She was trying to get better. But she couldn’t stop moving. She couldn’t stop running. She couldn’t stop walking. And she wasn’t eating ENOUGH. Just like you’re not eating ENOUGH. Her body weight was too low. Her organs were failing. Eventually, they gave up.”
He slid his chair forward, looking me directly in the eyes. “If you can’t stop moving… if you can’t stop getting on the treadmill… if you keep doing what you’re doing, you WILL die. I don’t know when… it could be a month from now, or it could be tomorrow. But you will. And that would be a tremendous loss. I don’t want to bury another patient.”
That was last August.
Soon after I started working with my current dietitian. That choice changed, and saved my life. That choice, as well as the choice to stop getting on the treadmill, and it wasn’t an easy choice to make. But eventually you get so tired, and I don’t mean physically, I mean emotionally. Mentally. You enjoy the highs, but you get tired of the unbearable pain and torture of the incredible lows for only 3 seconds of bliss.
So I stopped exercising. Even now, just starting to add back in exercise after being off of it since August, I still have sores on my feet. The pinprick sores are still there, as well as a couple blisters that haven’t yet totally healed. That’s eight months. You know how bad it was, if after eight months it’s almost, but not completely healed.
I stopped exercising… but that didn’t mean I was sitting. I was still standing. For everything. My rules about time were, and are still in place. I can sit until 9 am, at which point I must be up. Now, months and months later, I’m allowed to sit for lunch, and as long as it takes me to drink a cup of tea afterwards. Then I must be standing again until 6 pm at the earliest. If I work until 8, all the better.
Where does this come from?
Does it come only from the eating disorder? Is it just a symptom and complication of the overall problem?
I’d love to say yes. But no, it doesn’t.
How many times have you sat and ate a brownie, and felt guilty about it?
How many restaurants have you gone to with the girls, and then lamented how many hours on the treadmill you would have to do to make up for whatever you ate or drank?
Have you seen the episode of “That’s So Raven” where they decide to lose weight and walk to the mall?
How many joggers have you seen on the streets and then immediately felt guilty because you weren’t doing the same thing?
Society hails exercise and movement as the be all that ends all. With our society being habitually and epidemically fat-phobic, not just in nutritional content, but also from a physical perspective, we are now groomed from a young age to look at movement and exercise as a black or white concept.
Movement/Exercise= Good. Important. A+.
And inversely: Resting/Inactivity= Bad. Hazardous. Fail.
Treadmills and other exercise equipment are branded with giant, innaccurate displays of calories burned with no option to turn off the display.
Exercise is no longer about the joy of moving your body. It’s no longer about being outside, breathing fresh air, and allowing your body to carry you physically through life and relationships. That is secondary.
These positive and simple benefits of exercise and activity, the real reason we move- to relieve stress, to interact with people and the world around us, and to encourage mind and body connection and mental health- is downplayed as additional benefits to a much more “important” picture:
The Bowflex ad tells me I can go from a size 14 to a size 4 if I use their equipment.
The trainer tells me that I can add 6 inches in muscle size if I do these exercises.
And if I supplement this regime with the paleo, Atkins, Weight Watchers, Vegan, Vegetarian, or what have you diet, I’m guaranteed to be beach body ready by summer.
And my doctor supports this because exercise is always good. Weight must always fall in the BMI charts. And because all the diet pills don’t work, exercise is the new magic bean.
Exercise is viewed by society at large as the optimal definition of health. And by health, I mean weight and shape. In other words, the main reason we exercise is to control our weight and shape. And thanks to all the calorie counters out there (MyFitnessPal, exercise equipment, CalorieKing, etc), not only is exercise a means to control our weight and shape, it is also a way to justify or “allow” us to eat.
Suddenly our whole existence is consumed by our consumption and our calisthenics. If I want to look like x, I have to eat y, and in order to eat y, I must do z. The whole theory of eating when you’re hungry, stopping when you’re full is shot out the window, and replaced by a simple mathematical equation. And mindfulness goes with it.
And because we are all so fat-phobic, and so consumed with this “healthy” way of life, the idea of NOT exercising, NOT moving your body, and NOT following this Nirvana-esque equation is mind boggling to many, not just those with an eating disorder.
When I was forced to stop exercising, even at my lowest weight, when I was a walking skeleton and passing out, I was met with resistance. Resistance in my own head, but even more frustratingly from those around me. Family, friends, even health care professionals.
“Well, the dietitian has taken away exercise. I can’t do anything.”
“Not even walk?”
“But… that’s so unhealthy!”
“But… that can’t be right!”
“Maybe you should get a second opinion!”
“But… that’s not balanced. You HAVE to exercise!”
“But… you don’t want to get FAT though do you?”
“If you stop you’ll get fat, and you want to be toned! You should still exercise so it doesn’t all come back as fat!”
As if that was the WORST THING IN THE WORLD!?
Let me remind you all: My heart rate is 40 something lying down, 150 something when standing, and I’ve passed out just trying to get up off the couch. In what world is it still considered a good idea to strap on your sneakers when you’re like this?!
In what world is a pregnant woman praised in a yoga class for staying thin when they’re trying to bring another life into this world?!
In what world is it considered healthy when my feet are bruised, bleeding, and covered in bandages because of the extent of abuse they have suffered, in the name of “health” and “fitness”?
In what world am I praised for literally running to my deathbed?
In what world do I go to the doctors two weeks after stopping exercise, still totally entrenched and medically unstable, to be met with plans by the same doctor who begged me to stop, to reincorporate exercise again? Albeit, it was in the distant future, but still. It should not have even been on the table yet.
Something needs to change.
Movement/Exercise DOES NOT ALWAYS = Good. Important. A+.
And inversely: Resting/InactivityDOES NOT ALWAYS = Bad. Hazardous. Fail.
Exercise does not mean exorcism, and it doesn’t equal health or happiness. It’s time to start shifting our perspectives as a whole. Not just as an eating disorder sufferer, survivor, recovery warrior, or support person, but as a society. It’s time to come back to the basics.
Why do we do what we do?
Why do we move our bodies?
Why are we strapping on our shoes and pounding the pavement?
Are we exercising, or exorcising?
If it’s to influence our shape or size, why is that so important?
And if it is that important:
Is it worth digging our own graves?