Guess what else says hello?
Yep… my breakfast. You guys, it was so good. So good that I had to include it in this post. I did something totally different today and decided to bike to the cafe and have my weekly Skype session with my dietitian over breakfast. I’ve never done that before and I kinda really loved it. I’m one of those people who dreams of breakfast… it’s the best meal. I mean nine times out of ten if you asked me at the end of the day what was the most satisfying thing I ate that day, it would be whatever I decided to have for breakfast that day. My boyfriend, as well as a plethora of people in my family, are not breakfast people. Or rather, they simply can’t eat right away when they get up. I don’t get it. It kind of makes me sad because I can never share my oatmeal love with people. Or pancake love. Or various “for one” crumbles, muffins, and latte loves. See, the moment my feet hit the floor I’m starving… so waiting more than 45 minutes to eat is SO not happening!
Anyways, I dream of breakfast. I was lying in bed watching “The Revenant” last night, and my thoughts were drifting to the breakfast I knew I’d be eating in nine hours, and trying to figure out what I felt like making. It’s actually not disordered… it’s me being super excited about breakfast! And I mean, you have to plan ahead sometimes because if you have a feeling like you’re going to want overnight oats, or a soaked oat and chia smoothie, you gotta get those goodies in the fridge ahead of time! And I knew, I KNEW, that I felt like an iced latte and a fresh blueberry muffin.
You remember my muffin issues? Yeah… it’s not as much of a struggle anymore, but I still really really suck at having them for snacks without a breakdown. But I also discovered that if I truly honour my cravings, I generally only ever want muffins once. MAYBE twice, if you’re super lucky. I’m seriously the most diverse person you’ll ever meet… I hate eating things more than once, or twice in a two or three day period and CRAVE that variety. Like this week we made pulled pork… yeah, it’s good, but that always makes a TON, and after eating it twice it was like, “GIVE ME ANYTHING ELSE!”
So I live off A LOT of single serving recipes, or rather a combination of recipes and creations I make myself. It totally feeds my diversity and allows me to eat whatever I truly want in a given moment. But muffins are one of those really tough ones… there honestly are not that many single serving muffin recipes out there! I mean, unless you count microwave mug cakes… but those are NOT the same as a freshly baked muffin from the OVEN!
Admit it. You know it’s true.
And sometimes you want a blueberry buttermilk muffin, but if you’re me you DON’T want to eat twelve of them! It was super easy when my Dad was around… he was the quintessential normal intuitive eater. He had absolutely no food rules (🙆🏻!!) and had the metabolism of like a hummingbird.
Side note: Hummingbirds apparently have the highest metabolism of any animal… it kind of makes sense with their speed and ridiculously high heart rate. #gottalovegoogle.
Anyways, I think I get my breakfast love from him. The first thing he did when he got up was walk into the kitchen and put two slices of bread in the toaster. He was also a morning person like me… A couple of genetic tics that I’m not hating!
Double side note: Do you even know how many toasters we went through when he was around? No joke, I swear we went through one every year, or maybe every two years. SO MUCH TOAST!
Moving along… it was easy with him around. He ADORED baked goods, and still does. Give him anything with a bit of sugar and some fluffy floury substance, and he was all over it like white on rice (which by the way is a really odd expression…). So if I felt like muffins, I could make 12 and know that if I had one, or two, he’d easily take care of the rest. Same with cakes, pies, cookies… actually when it came to cookies, you were lucky if you even got one of those before they were gone.
Now it’s not so easy… if I bake 12 muffins, chances are we’ll only go through three, maybe four before they’re all mouldy, and that’s only if I have help eating some of them. And don’t give me the whole freeze the rest thing… there was a time when I made like 4 dozen muffins because I felt like having different kinds available. And then a whole shelf of our freezer was taken up for over a year. At the moment I have some banana walnut ones in there that I think I made 4 months ago… I’m pretty sure there’s still 10 of them. The only exception to this was my grandma’s banana bran muffins… man I could easily pound through 3 of those a day. Once again, just like her cinnamon buns, we’ll never know exactly how she made her little paper-lined cups of heaven.
Long story short: it just doesn’t work. So when I felt like a blueberry muffin for breakfast today, I knew the only logical plan was to go to the cafe and buy one.
So I hopped on the bike. Usually I walk there, but I’ve been craving a bike ride recently because I haven’t had the chance to go, and I FINALLY bought a bike lock, so I can chain it up. And being relatively new to the biking game, I am of course super nervous about biking to somewhere busy simply because I haven’t done it before.
It went fine though! And it was WAY faster… like ten minutes and that was a leisurely pace, AND with walking across crosswalks (because I’m not comfortable biking across them, and lets be honest: you ARE supposed to walk your bike across anyways), AND going the longer scenic way that takes like 25-30 minutes to walk as opposed to 15-20. AND, I managed to figure out the bike lock… I think.
Have you ever had that sinking feeling like you did something wrong, because you weren’t totally confident in what you were doing?
I have this urge to check but I don’t want to pack everything up… so I’ll hope for the best.
Moving along… so I walked into the cafe, first thing when it opened, and you could smell the fresh baked goods! And I’ve been in a “I’M SO HUNGRY I COULD EAT EVERYTHING!” phase constantly the past few days (so scary!) so I was more than ready for my muffin. And I walked up to the counter hoping for a blueberry filled fluffy pillow of muffin top joy… and was greeted by raspberry chocolate chip.
Really, I can DO any kind of muffin (I may not be craving it, but I can eat it) EXCEPT one with chocolate chips. NO.
Chocolate chips do not belong in breakfast, and they DEFINITELY do not belong in muffins. They have made me gag for as long as I can remember. Not an ED thing either.
So… disappointment. Because there was no way I was getting a muffin today to attempt to assuage my muffin craving. But, you can always go back to old faithful: date squares. I LOVE date squares…. like LOVE, LOVE, LOVE! And ED hates them… but that’s a moot point. I haven’t had one probably since September or October, so I was long overdue, and while it was no blueberry muffin it was just as good because I love, love, love them.
Side note: Is this a Canadian thing? When I was talking to my dietitian, she mentioned that she loved them too, but that they’re near IMPOSSIBLE to find other than at their Whole Foods. Around here, you’re actually more hard pressed to find a cafe that DOESN’T sell them, thank heavens, because once again, it’s really hard to find a single serve date square recipe too.
So my breakfast was delicious, especially the date square, which I hadn’t tried at this particular cafe before. I think it’s the best one in town, and it will be a thing again for sure. And, as far as I know, my bike is still tied up outside.
Man I get on tangents. I haven’t written in so long because I’ve had this MASSIVE case of writer’s block… and while I really had an aim at the start of this post, I’ve long since gotten derailed and I’m already 1500 words in and have reached a point where going into ED stuff might make this WAY too long. I guess we’ll just see where we end up at this point…
So guess what!!! It’s my man’s graduation today!
And while he’s all nonchalant about it, I’m super duper proud of him because I know what he’s gone through to get to this point, and how long he’s been waiting to be able to say, “DONE!” Plus, yesterday we went to an awards ceremony (which he is also all nonchalant and humble about), where he won three amazing awards that he totally deserved. And yes, I’m gushing, but it’s totally true and while it might not be a big deal to him, I get to celebrate it and totally brag because that is my job.
In addition, he’s starting a new job today that is totally more in line with his interests, passions, and hobbies, and while I’m kind of down because I won’t see him as much as a result, I’m also so happy for him and excited for his new opportunities. Dialectics at its finest. Truly, the feelings are mostly happy ones.
So the past few days have been pretty full, with today being the fullest I’m guessing. And it’s funny because you’d think that with all the hubbub and ado, I wouldn’t have time for ED crap. And yes, this is true, but only partially. See, I have less time to OVERANALYZE, and limited time to ENGAGE in harmful behaviours, but as a result, or perhaps as a side effect, I have more of an urge to?
It is a well known fact that stress is one of the biggest eating disorder footholds: the eating disorder thrives on higher levels of anxiety, as well as tensions regardless of whether they are internally or externally driven. It bases itself on that sense of a lack of control that one has when there is stress in life.
So when my man is stressed because he is struggling with work-related issues, and I can’t do anything about it, I feel powerless, and out of control. I internalize it, and grasp at strings to try to find something that I can be in charge of and take the reigns on: my weight, shape, and food.
When I have less time to fit in exercise, still have a meal plan, and still want to fully engage in other aspects of my life, I feel like I’m bound and chained to complete the time allotment by any means possible. I internalize, and I plan. I set my alarm an hour earlier and sacrifice sleep to “get it all in”. I eat my lunch super fast at work to maximize time so I have an extra fifteen minutes during a break to shave off of my walking time.
When I have goals to honour my hunger and my cravings from the dietitian for the week, but I’m unexpectedly blindsided by incessant unrelenting hunger for a few days, I panic. I should jump for joy because, hello, I’m actually getting a clear message from my body, a rarity in a skeleton that has gotten all too used to hunger silence. On days when your physical hunger signals are ACTUALLY there, it makes identifying cravings so much easier, so this “assignment” would have technically been a piece of kale (I meant to write cake, but I was going fast and that is actually what my fingers typed… I kind of liked it, so I left it 😋). If it involves eating MORE than the meal plan, my brain does not compute. I internalize, I try to calculate, I make external rules (“If I allow myself to eat x now, I cannot have a snack, or y, later”, or, “If I have 3 snacks in a day, that’s the same amount I have on an exercise day, so I have to go and do exercise at some point”).
When I honour my hunger and cravings, and it results in me eating scary foods, AND I’m feeling stressed because I’m busy, I experience MORE body dysmorphia and MORE intense body hatred, as well as even HIGHER levels of urgency to engage in old behaviours. I find myself comparing my plate with those around me, leafing through the paper shredder to find the nutritional info for the Rice Krispie’s, and in my head trying to validate my own consumption based on what those around me eat- regardless of the fact that we are incomparable having different bodies, genders (at times), metabolisms, activity levels, and never being entirely sure what someone else eats as you’re never with someone for a full 24 hours.
I feel as though I am losing “willpower” and as if I am out of control, and by extension gaining weight and fat. Not that this is would be the end of the world, remember. But the reality is, I am not losing control and/or gaining weight: the only thing I am LOSING is ED’s grasp on my reigns and connection to the diet mentality, and the only thing I am GAINING is freedom to make my own decisions and a greater sense of intuition.
But in the heat of the moment, it’s hard to remember this. It seems like a moot, if not ludicrous point.
And if you’re bombarded by all these things, and your “feelers” are going crazy, you grasp at straws. You try to maintain composure and stay on the recovery track, you try to appear okay, when a large chunk of you is desperate to go back to that sense of control, to the unsafe place that felt so secure. You get confused. You get complacent. You find yourself at an awards ceremony, bombarded by memories, some good, and others not so much so. Celebrating someone else’s successes, reminds you of your own, when you sat in a similar situation. But it also reminds you of all of the times things didn’t go as you thought they would. It reminds you of where you thought you’d be at this point in your life, versus where you actually are. And while you’re happy, and while you wouldn’t trade your path or current situation, you play the “what if” game:
What if I’d stayed on?
What if those who know me are disappointed in me?
What if I have climbed as high as I will ever go?
What if I knew then what I would become? Would it have made a difference?
And all too quickly, these “what if’s” give way to other, even more dangerous ones:
What if I’m not good enough?
What if I’m destined to never recover?
What if I’m too stupid to know how to feed myself “properly”?
What if I’m too lazy?
What if I’m too fat?
What if I should add in more exercise? You know… tone up, be healthy…
What if I really do need to lose a few pounds? Five? Ten? Twenty?
Would I feel better if I did?
And suddenly you’ve lost touch with the reason you’re there. Suddenly, you are no longer rejoicing in the successes of those around you receiving awards, but instead waiting eagerly for the next woman to be called to the stage, so you can scrutinize.
Is she more put together than me?
Is she prettier than me?
Is she thinner than me?
Does she have less cellulite than me?
If yes, the anxiety and urges climb. If no, phew… but she’s still probably smarter, has her sh** in order, and will amount to more… to “better”…
I don’t know about you, but last time I checked we were at an event that celebrates academic achievements, not at a bikini contest.
And in this whirlwind you find yourself planning your next opportunity to run a mile, or sneak out for a 15 minute walking session. Or figuring out which item on your meal plan you can “conveniently” and “uncontrollably” skip. Or planning your next late night McDonald’s run, or what brownie recipe you will make to stuff your face with at 2 am in a dark corner when no one is watching.
You do you.
Only, not your best you.
Not your real you.
Your ED you.
The difference is, as much as you’re an old hand at slipping into eating disordered behaviours, you’re also dealing with a growing arsenal of tools in your toolkit. Did you notice that I wrote PLANNING, as opposed to ACTING?
There’s a difference. And it’s significant.
How many of you were reading this and as it got further along thought, “Damn, that’s it. It’s the beginning of the end again. Another struggle, another forced meal, another skipped meal, another relapse.”? How many of you were foreshadowing my demise? How many of you were getting anxious thinking, “NO! But you were doing so well!”? How many of you were getting anxious thinking, “This was me last night! You hit the nail on the head!”?
Yeah, you’re right. It’s a fine line, and a dangerous one. And it’s one that I’ve been headbutting against a bit more often than I’d like the past week or two, or three. BUT, remember I mentioned those tools I was talking about? Yeah, see I’ve been stressed and busy. Yeah, some days I’ve slipped into old routines, but 98% of the time I haven’t. Because you can read this and see all the negatives, all the toxic thinking patterns, all the loss of direction, all the steps backwards that take me farther away from recovery as opposed to closer to it… OR you can look at all the amazing positives that have equally come out of the past few weeks:
- I have honoured my cravings more in the past two weeks than I have in the past six years.
- I took an exercise slip, BUT I admitted it promptly to my dietitian and didn’t hide it. I lost privileges, BUT have subsequently slowly gained them back.
- I have stopped counting my crackers. It was always 9 or 10 depending on size, or 5 if they were huge… but now it’s a solid reach in the box handful take it or leave it.
- I have had three snacks a day some days, even if it almost killed me because I didn’t do exercise that day.
- I have been more spontaneous in my free time than I have been in years, and have as such had so much more fun in my relationships with people rather than being in my own head.
- I’ve actually drank drinks with calories… a lot of them. And allowed myself enjoy them.
- Although I set my alarm for earlier to exercise… I hit the snooze button. More than once.
- Last night, after all that comparison at the awards ceremony, I built up an ice cream craving, felt really physically hungry again, honoured it even though it killed me to do so-
Side note: Anyone who knows me well knows that if I have a craving for a restaurant/not make at home food, I NEVER bring it up to others. I always feel like a glutton and a failure when I crave restaurant or take out food.
-and ended up buying celebratory DQ Blizzards for myself and my loved ones:
AND I was hungry so I got a larger size than ED wanted me to… and I ate it. And it was perfect and delicious.
See, therein lies the difference. Someone very close to me said, “I just don’t want you to get triggered.” What she meant was, “I don’t want you to get triggered INTO a relapse.”
See, it’s not about if you’re triggered, or if you have these thoughts. It’s not about if you really had a difficult time, were under a lot of stress, or even if you goof up a couple times. We HAVE to be triggered, because being triggered lets us know where our boundaries and limitations are, and give us insight into where the happy medium lies.
For me, the happy medium lies somewhere in between my first bite of my peanut butter baked oatmeal, and the last. Man, the last bite sucks… until 24 hours later when you can do it all over again!
The difference is, now I can be triggered, but I can act independent of the trigger. Or at least most of the time. Our thoughts are not our stories. They’re not mine, and they’re not yours either. They’re not who or what or where you really are.
So the next time you find yourself in a whirlwind, ask yourself, “What tool in my toolkit will be the best for me in this situation?”
Sometimes the tool will be a DQ Blizzard. Sometimes it will be a walk in nature. Sometimes it will be a spew of verbal diarrhea to get it all out of your head. Sometimes it will be a list of all the amazing things you’ve done despite being caught in a whirlwind.
Or you can be like me and combine all of them! You can get a DQ Blizzard, watch a movie, go to bed, wake up, go for a cycle, spew some verbal diarrhea with a dietitian/therapist, and then dispel some more in a ridiculously scattered blog post.
You do you.
The real you.
And now, the real me is hungry… Again.
So imma go find a snack. Peace.
*PS: My bike was totally still there! #nailedit. *
**Double PS: Not really… I apparently broke the little thumb lever that releases the lock from the bike frame. But I just did that to make boyfriend laugh… totally planned it. And the lock itself still works. So I stand by my #nailedit. **